...probably not anybody.
Friday I was over at a
friend's house gathering with a bunch of guys (and one gal) who used to drink to much and when the gathering was over I stood up, took two steps forward, got bubbly light headed and down I went...soooooooo reminiscent of one time prior and early in my chemo recovery that the same thing would happen.
At that time the Drs. came up that one of my meds was an alpha blocker and what it would do was upon standing up my blood pressure would go in the tank an down I would go.
That was probably in June and it hasn't happened until recently................
..............time to fess up............it has happened a couple of times since I got home from the hospital and prior to this "episode" on Friday, but at home.
I was able to get myself up which is different than the previous "episodes" that happened when I couldn't get myself up and needed help..."Help, I've fallen and I can' get up!", so I just blew them off as I dunno what.
Now I have to come clean and call/tell my Drs.
It hasn't happened since I quit taking the med which contained an alpha blocker so I dunno...
So anywho, this last fall on Friday caused me to wrench my bad knee pretty good. As I was going down I heard/felt a ripping sound in both my ankles and both my knees but i was able to lie there, take a couple of breaths, refuse any help getting up...I might fall but I'm not a wimp(?!?) and I can get myself up... .
Both my ankles and my knees had an ache after I got up and when I got home it seemed to be gone.
So I watched some mindless TV and then went to bed. I like going to bed now because I've been sleeping the night through...except for a potty break because my labs have shown that I'm still not hydrated enough so I'm drinking a lot, of water and juice(!).
So, I awoke at straight up 3:00 and went to roll over to get out of bed and OUCH!
Holy sharp pain in my bad knee, Batman!
It was 3:00 in the morning and I had to pee really bad so I hobbled/hopped to the bathroom and back and sat on the edge of the bed and pondered the situation.
I took a couple of Extra Strength Tylenol, lifted my bad leg with the bad knee up on to the bed and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't find a comfortable position for my leg/knee so I sorta dozed, kinda.
Saturday I spent mosta the day in my chair reading and watching TV.
Connie, one of God's Agents came over and flushed my ports, yeah I'm still getting chemo and labs thru them so they need to be flushed every other day, and fashioned an ice pack out of a Zip-Lock bag and ice cubes...duh? Ice for pain and swelling?
Cindy, another one of God's Agents who has gotten me to this point in my/our(?) adventure came over to walk Rosie and dug my walker out of the garage...duh! I have a walker? which gave me some mobility.
Last night wasn't too bad and Gregg...yes, another one of God's Agents...came and took me to church where both of us had an "Aha" moment!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll speak of that when the times come and maybe blog/write about it later.
And speaking of "write about it latet, I really need to get started on re-fashioning my real estate self, so I best get goin' on that.
Peter Procrastinator needs to get to work...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Another new life...
I'm gettin' a little frustrated, but not in an antagonistic way. Ever since I left the hospital and came home I've had this "nagging (politely so)" feeling that I couldn't identify.
The last time I had a feeling like this it was after my bypass surgery in 1999 when I came away feeling much the same as I do know, re: phantom feeling.
Howsomever with the help of someone...and you know who you are...those feelings were deciphered and the conclusion was that a) Something in my life was undone, and b) I hadn't made my mark.
Of course during the discussion surrounding all this the first thing my mentor said was, "Pete, you egotistical S.O.B.. It's probably true that you've got something undone, but to be concerned over 'making your mark' is egoistical if not narcissistic. Don't you remember what Ben (one of my heroes said) when you first got sober? Didn't he say, "Pete, your job is to do the most you can for (fill in the blank) and keep the lowest possible profile while you re doing it."
Yeah, he said that and, for the most part I've tried to live up to that.
Even before I began my cancer treatment, I was given the thought that, a) I was going to make this cancer experience an adventure, and b) I was not going to let it go to waste.
Well, it certainly been an adventure but I still don't know what "not letting it go to waste" really means.
Now somehow, and I haven't made the connection with that yet but it has something to do with the phantom feeling that I'm currently having...
I'm not being entirely forthright here, because I have an inkling of what this feeling is but the problem is that I can't pin it down exactly....
... “My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is. I think my problem is the problem…but that’s not the problem at all. My problem is not the problem, and that’s my problem!” ...
~~A quote I picked up somewhere but without an author credit
I don't know if there is any truth to the "9 lives" schtick, but I've certainly used up a few...
Not the car wrecks or getting shot or getting stabbed, as my sister recalled when she was taking care of me while I was still in Denver...but more like the opposite, if you will, in that I have been born and then reborn so to speak.
Something is different, but I can't "place" what it is.
It has something to do with an awareness and an appreciation of everything about me...people, places and things.
But that doesn't "fit the bill".
Just saying that comes woefully short of being to 'splain my "phantom feeling(s)."
I'm sure it has something to do with coming close to dying in that awful week/10 days after the transplant.
I soooooooooowish I could adequately explain, to myself and to others my new attitude towards life and those people, places and things.
About as close as I've come was today when I went in to the office and wound up sitting in the Principals office (Boss Lady, Fran, of Re./MAX Advanced) having what at times seemed like an animated conversation about next year.
I believe next year is going to be a grrrrrreeeaat year in spite of the economy, the elections and the hangover of the past couple of years.
And this grrrrrreeeaat year is but the beginning of the future depending, of course, on attitudes, ethics, morals and principles in both our personal and professional lives.
I've been basically out of the Real Estate game since March and a lot of that time wasn't even on the sidelines and so I've come to the conclusion that I need to "re-invent" my self after 36 years in the biz...more about that in a future Post, but I do have a plan and I''m excited about it.
But that's just my "professional life."
My "official" return to work date has been bumped from Dec. 1st 'til Jan. 1st, and that's OK...it'll give me more time to work on my reinvention.
I am equally excited about all other facets of my life...our lives, because at some level we are connected and as such we work and live together.
OK, so it's getting late and I have not even been even close to trying to verbalize my "phantom feeling" about this new life that I have.
Life is a good thing.
I guess maybe, and this applies to me, that one doesn't realize how special and wonderful something is until one almost looses it...
It's really windy/blustery out side...that's way cool.
The last time I had a feeling like this it was after my bypass surgery in 1999 when I came away feeling much the same as I do know, re: phantom feeling.
Howsomever with the help of someone...and you know who you are...those feelings were deciphered and the conclusion was that a) Something in my life was undone, and b) I hadn't made my mark.
Of course during the discussion surrounding all this the first thing my mentor said was, "Pete, you egotistical S.O.B.. It's probably true that you've got something undone, but to be concerned over 'making your mark' is egoistical if not narcissistic. Don't you remember what Ben (one of my heroes said) when you first got sober? Didn't he say, "Pete, your job is to do the most you can for (fill in the blank) and keep the lowest possible profile while you re doing it."
Yeah, he said that and, for the most part I've tried to live up to that.
Even before I began my cancer treatment, I was given the thought that, a) I was going to make this cancer experience an adventure, and b) I was not going to let it go to waste.
Well, it certainly been an adventure but I still don't know what "not letting it go to waste" really means.
Now somehow, and I haven't made the connection with that yet but it has something to do with the phantom feeling that I'm currently having...
I'm not being entirely forthright here, because I have an inkling of what this feeling is but the problem is that I can't pin it down exactly....
... “My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is. I think my problem is the problem…but that’s not the problem at all. My problem is not the problem, and that’s my problem!” ...
~~A quote I picked up somewhere but without an author credit
I don't know if there is any truth to the "9 lives" schtick, but I've certainly used up a few...
Not the car wrecks or getting shot or getting stabbed, as my sister recalled when she was taking care of me while I was still in Denver...but more like the opposite, if you will, in that I have been born and then reborn so to speak.
- Born September 10, 1948
- Born again March 7, 1987 when I got sober
- Born again April 22, 1991 when I set foot in Pilchuck Valley Chapel
- Born Again August 30, 1999 when I had my bypass preventing a heart attack that I would not have been able to survive
- August 25, 2010 when I had my Stem Cell transplant.
Something is different, but I can't "place" what it is.
It has something to do with an awareness and an appreciation of everything about me...people, places and things.
But that doesn't "fit the bill".
Just saying that comes woefully short of being to 'splain my "phantom feeling(s)."
I'm sure it has something to do with coming close to dying in that awful week/10 days after the transplant.
I soooooooooowish I could adequately explain, to myself and to others my new attitude towards life and those people, places and things.
About as close as I've come was today when I went in to the office and wound up sitting in the Principals office (Boss Lady, Fran, of Re./MAX Advanced) having what at times seemed like an animated conversation about next year.
I believe next year is going to be a grrrrrreeeaat year in spite of the economy, the elections and the hangover of the past couple of years.
And this grrrrrreeeaat year is but the beginning of the future depending, of course, on attitudes, ethics, morals and principles in both our personal and professional lives.
I've been basically out of the Real Estate game since March and a lot of that time wasn't even on the sidelines and so I've come to the conclusion that I need to "re-invent" my self after 36 years in the biz...more about that in a future Post, but I do have a plan and I''m excited about it.
But that's just my "professional life."
My "official" return to work date has been bumped from Dec. 1st 'til Jan. 1st, and that's OK...it'll give me more time to work on my reinvention.
I am equally excited about all other facets of my life...our lives, because at some level we are connected and as such we work and live together.
OK, so it's getting late and I have not even been even close to trying to verbalize my "phantom feeling" about this new life that I have.
Life is a good thing.
I guess maybe, and this applies to me, that one doesn't realize how special and wonderful something is until one almost looses it...
It's really windy/blustery out side...that's way cool.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Musings on dying...
Below please find a blurb I was asked to do for my Church newsletter.
Please to understand that with minor editing I could write it for a number of other "groups" and individuals...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please to understand that with minor editing I could write it for a number of other "groups" and individuals...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Musing on almost dying…
As a lot of my ECC Fellowshippers know, for a lot of years I’ve been a card carrying member of Alcoholics Anonymous (Shhhhhh! Don’t tell anybody unless you want to or think I might be able to be of help to someone!!), the Granddaddy of all 12 Step Programs.
The Third Step of which is, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
My first near death experience came as a direct result of my alcoholism back in 1985 when, drunk, I got into a horrific car accident which nearly cost me my life.
My most recent was/is Multiple Myeloma…an incurable form of blood/bone marrow cancer and I’ve gone through the disease and the treatment thereof sober, although not always of sound mind.
After several months of chemo and other preparation, on August 25th I had a stem cell transplant, which the Drs. say will statistically give me another 10 years!
The period of time leading up to the transplant was a piece of cake.
The week or 10 days after was a nightmare.
A combination of chemo, my body writhing trying to accept the stem cells, even if they were my own and an extended visit by the Dark Side dan g near did me in.
I got to the point where I wanted to die and to the point I was transferred to intensive care. I remember pretending to be asleep and there were two nurses hovering around and one said to the other, “Is he going to make it?”
The response was quick, “We’re not sure.”
I can remember thinking, “Oh, good. This might all be over soon.”
At that moment and for a period of days before and after I was under the influence of a power/spirit greater than myself and I was the soccer ball in a soccer game called Spiritual Warfare.
Had I not taken that Third Step and made that part and parcel of my life I would have not survived this ordeal.
Even at my lowest when I was telling relatives and people that I was wanted to and was going to die, the bilateralness of pact I made with God proved itself. He kept His Word and even though I wanted to check out, He held me tight and protected me from the Dark Side and from dying.
How’d He do that?
Through you guys and others who lifted me up in prayer, came to see me, called me, e-mailed me and sent me all those fabulous birthday cards which one of you taped to the wall of my hospital room directly across from my bed.
Perhaps you have never been aware of God the Father acting in behalf of, in protection of and fighting to keep you whole…I have.
Coming up on two months since my transplant I am home getting well enough to return to work and having a lt of time to reflect on this new life that I have been given and knowing exactly the Source of this life.
Sidebar, sorta: I thank God for this life and I thank you for this life. But a simple thank you seems sooooooo woefully inadequate.
I don’t have the words.
As Agents of His Goodness, He, through you saved a wretch like me.
Thank you.
Monday, October 18, 2010
It's kinda good to be gettin' settled in...
It really is.
There's a lot more to it, however, than I imagined!
I thank and pray for blessings for all the people who attended to my house both inside and outside whilst I was gone. And it would appear that some, or all of them were a bit more detailed than I. It took me 4 days to find my coffee pot!
Sleeping in my bed again was/is mahvelous! I'm still having seeping problems that came home with me from the hospital but we're working on that...
I've settled into both an acceptance of and the reality of having to have chemo for the next three years.
"Next three years", you ask.
Well, so did I.
But I got reminded that Multiple Myeloma is an incurable (for now) type of cancer so the present goal is to put me in and to keep me in a state of forced remission for the long haul. It seems that with all the chemo they can't, short of really killing me, adios all the Myeloma cells and so their will always be some lurking round and so we're fighting a "stand-off" battle ad infinitum.
So, once a week I go in for chemo and twice a week I go in for labs, a.k.a. blood letting, to monitor what be going on.
And once every other week, ad infinitum, I go down to Denver for a check in/up with my Oncologist down there.
But that all is really a small price to pay, if'n you catch my drift.
There's a lot more to it, however, than I imagined!
I thank and pray for blessings for all the people who attended to my house both inside and outside whilst I was gone. And it would appear that some, or all of them were a bit more detailed than I. It took me 4 days to find my coffee pot!
Sleeping in my bed again was/is mahvelous! I'm still having seeping problems that came home with me from the hospital but we're working on that...
I've settled into both an acceptance of and the reality of having to have chemo for the next three years.
"Next three years", you ask.
Well, so did I.
But I got reminded that Multiple Myeloma is an incurable (for now) type of cancer so the present goal is to put me in and to keep me in a state of forced remission for the long haul. It seems that with all the chemo they can't, short of really killing me, adios all the Myeloma cells and so their will always be some lurking round and so we're fighting a "stand-off" battle ad infinitum.
So, once a week I go in for chemo and twice a week I go in for labs, a.k.a. blood letting, to monitor what be going on.
And once every other week, ad infinitum, I go down to Denver for a check in/up with my Oncologist down there.
But that all is really a small price to pay, if'n you catch my drift.
Monday, October 11, 2010
It's good to be home!
Tis good to be home, it really is...
It took me a day or two to get used to my sanitized house and to find things...but I ain't complainin'!
Thank yous to all that toiled over, around, in and through my house so that I could come home, and "thank you(s)" just doesn't, and isn't adequate.
Then it took another few days to go shopping and acquire and stock up on suggested and needed things.
And then it took a day or two to go to T-Mobile and get one of those "stickem in your USB port" gizmos so that I could have, and now have internet access at home.
Twas good to go to a couple, well maybe three of my commitments this week, pkus my office Sales meeting. Made it to the First Church of the Second Chance, my AA Home Group and Church this morning.
That's a good start to, as my friend Vicky sez, "Getting back into the mainstream of life."
My, "official" return will be Nov. 25...three months out from my transplant which was August 25th. Nov. 25th is somewhere around Thanksgiving, isn't it?
I think that's fitting, huh.
Until then I still need to be ultra careful which is why I need to where a mask until then whenst I'm around
...OK, so now it's Monday and I've gotten to the office for a bit and now am back home with Gregg figuring out some paperwork and insurance and then go to my Oncologist up here and query why his immediate treatment/chemo plan is different than my Denver Oncologist...
I might get back to this yet today!
It took me a day or two to get used to my sanitized house and to find things...but I ain't complainin'!
Thank yous to all that toiled over, around, in and through my house so that I could come home, and "thank you(s)" just doesn't, and isn't adequate.
Then it took another few days to go shopping and acquire and stock up on suggested and needed things.
And then it took a day or two to go to T-Mobile and get one of those "stickem in your USB port" gizmos so that I could have, and now have internet access at home.
Twas good to go to a couple, well maybe three of my commitments this week, pkus my office Sales meeting. Made it to the First Church of the Second Chance, my AA Home Group and Church this morning.
That's a good start to, as my friend Vicky sez, "Getting back into the mainstream of life."
My, "official" return will be Nov. 25...three months out from my transplant which was August 25th. Nov. 25th is somewhere around Thanksgiving, isn't it?
I think that's fitting, huh.
Until then I still need to be ultra careful which is why I need to where a mask until then whenst I'm around
...OK, so now it's Monday and I've gotten to the office for a bit and now am back home with Gregg figuring out some paperwork and insurance and then go to my Oncologist up here and query why his immediate treatment/chemo plan is different than my Denver Oncologist...
I might get back to this yet today!
Monday, October 4, 2010
24 hours and counting...
You know it seems like forever since my diagnosis last March, but now that a large part {I can't say portion because I now begin a 3 year chemo/maintenance program} of the initial treatment is over and I look back it seems as if he time went by soooooo quickly.
Tomorrow at this time I hope to be tossing my last bag of "stuff" in Doug's vehicle and headed home!
I can't wait!
I unofficially tallied up my days I've slept in my own bed since June and I come up with a total of 3!!!
It is going to be soooooo good to sleep in my own bed again in my house which I may or may not recognize...there has been a plethora of people to whomst I cannot 'splain my grattitude to who have gone in and decluttered, sanitized, re-arranged, landscaped and brought it up to the point where I can be released to go home.
Dang all yous guys, yous just opened up the floodgate of tears again.
Simple "thank yous" just don't cut it...I wish I knew what did.
I go in this afternoon to see my Oncologist down here for "formal discharge" which should be forthcoming unless my labs,a.k.a. blood letting, which have been good all week get whacky. When I went in yesterday to have them done there was one pesky kidny function that nwas trending upward (not good) but the nurse who took my "labs" said it diddn't look "all that bad" so I'm just going to keep myself well hydrated today which seems to help and I should have to problem "passing the test".
I see him at 4:30, which means as those who have accompanied me can attest more like 5:30 - 6:00 ish which is too late for me to check out of Brent's Place...the marvelous place that I've been for the past two weeks, a.k.a. transitional housing.
It is going to be soooooooo goot to be home tomorrow.
I still have to be really careful for another month or so.
It seems that three months out from transplanct seems to be some sort of benchmark...That's when I'm supposed to be released from needing the 24/7 babysitting and can "go back to worl" and can do some traveling.
I'm gonna make one more plea to be able to go to Chicago at the end of October to attend a wedding, but the response I got late last week was, "You can talk to Dr. Lee about it, but I dont like your chances."
Before I got released to Brent's Place and once afterward I was given the, "Let's fill you up with fear speech(s) from a couple of the NPs (Nurse Practitioners) which did indeed scare the h*** out of me.
I was told, didn't need to be reminded cuz I didn't know that I have an immune system that is building itself up from almost nothing...so much so that although I'll need my puppy shots all over again I can't have those until maybe 6 months post transplant and a sure way for me to off myself would be to go and get a flu shot! Seems that I can catch something and have it quickly become mega-serious in almost no time flat which is why they want me to take my temperature twice a day and if it's over 101.5 degrees it's "don't pass go and get to the ER asap."
I was under the impression hat the primary reason I needed the 24/7 was that if I cut or bruised myself I could bleed out because of my platelet cound being so low, but as it turns out it's that I can develop and infection marked by fever soooooo quickly that I would need medical attention asap.
So, transplant August 25th, 3 months out November 25th.
You know, that's 'bout Thanksgiving and I have now and will have a lot to be thankful for, huh...
Soooooo, I need your help on something, pleeeeeeeeze.
Would you remind me, gently please, after all I'm sensitive you know, that if you see me trying to do too much, like going to the office every day or being out in public without a mask that I ain't supposed to be doing that.
I am not going to isolate and hole up at home until Thanksgiving, but I need to wear a mask when I'm out in public and that means Church, the office, AA and/or anywhere there might be germs lurking about.
I remember Dr. McFarland, my Fort Collins Oncologist telling me that, "More people die with Myeloma than of it" and thinking that to be some sort of relief, but I've come to understand that what could kill me is the "catching" of something until my immune system is back up and running that could indeed kill me.
And contrary to just a few weeks ago, I 'm not ready to check out.
That few days, although somewhat hazy, that nI really was dead {no pun intended} serious about "checking out" is still fresh in my mind.
There's one person in particular that I need to revisit those days with because a dad has no right to scare the h*** out of his son by telling him that "I'm ready and I want to die so, 'see ya'".
I'm too excited about going home that I'm not in the mood for picking up on some retro-blogging, but I'll get back to that because there's too much that I need to commit to my journal, of which this will become so that I can look back someday and say, "Wow, I really did live/go through all that."
Later.
Tomorrow at this time I hope to be tossing my last bag of "stuff" in Doug's vehicle and headed home!
I can't wait!
I unofficially tallied up my days I've slept in my own bed since June and I come up with a total of 3!!!
It is going to be soooooo good to sleep in my own bed again in my house which I may or may not recognize...there has been a plethora of people to whomst I cannot 'splain my grattitude to who have gone in and decluttered, sanitized, re-arranged, landscaped and brought it up to the point where I can be released to go home.
Dang all yous guys, yous just opened up the floodgate of tears again.
Simple "thank yous" just don't cut it...I wish I knew what did.
I go in this afternoon to see my Oncologist down here for "formal discharge" which should be forthcoming unless my labs,a.k.a. blood letting, which have been good all week get whacky. When I went in yesterday to have them done there was one pesky kidny function that nwas trending upward (not good) but the nurse who took my "labs" said it diddn't look "all that bad" so I'm just going to keep myself well hydrated today which seems to help and I should have to problem "passing the test".
I see him at 4:30, which means as those who have accompanied me can attest more like 5:30 - 6:00 ish which is too late for me to check out of Brent's Place...the marvelous place that I've been for the past two weeks, a.k.a. transitional housing.
It is going to be soooooooo goot to be home tomorrow.
I still have to be really careful for another month or so.
It seems that three months out from transplanct seems to be some sort of benchmark...That's when I'm supposed to be released from needing the 24/7 babysitting and can "go back to worl" and can do some traveling.
I'm gonna make one more plea to be able to go to Chicago at the end of October to attend a wedding, but the response I got late last week was, "You can talk to Dr. Lee about it, but I dont like your chances."
Before I got released to Brent's Place and once afterward I was given the, "Let's fill you up with fear speech(s) from a couple of the NPs (Nurse Practitioners) which did indeed scare the h*** out of me.
I was told, didn't need to be reminded cuz I didn't know that I have an immune system that is building itself up from almost nothing...so much so that although I'll need my puppy shots all over again I can't have those until maybe 6 months post transplant and a sure way for me to off myself would be to go and get a flu shot! Seems that I can catch something and have it quickly become mega-serious in almost no time flat which is why they want me to take my temperature twice a day and if it's over 101.5 degrees it's "don't pass go and get to the ER asap."
I was under the impression hat the primary reason I needed the 24/7 was that if I cut or bruised myself I could bleed out because of my platelet cound being so low, but as it turns out it's that I can develop and infection marked by fever soooooo quickly that I would need medical attention asap.
So, transplant August 25th, 3 months out November 25th.
You know, that's 'bout Thanksgiving and I have now and will have a lot to be thankful for, huh...
Soooooo, I need your help on something, pleeeeeeeeze.
Would you remind me, gently please, after all I'm sensitive you know, that if you see me trying to do too much, like going to the office every day or being out in public without a mask that I ain't supposed to be doing that.
I am not going to isolate and hole up at home until Thanksgiving, but I need to wear a mask when I'm out in public and that means Church, the office, AA and/or anywhere there might be germs lurking about.
I remember Dr. McFarland, my Fort Collins Oncologist telling me that, "More people die with Myeloma than of it" and thinking that to be some sort of relief, but I've come to understand that what could kill me is the "catching" of something until my immune system is back up and running that could indeed kill me.
And contrary to just a few weeks ago, I 'm not ready to check out.
That few days, although somewhat hazy, that nI really was dead {no pun intended} serious about "checking out" is still fresh in my mind.
There's one person in particular that I need to revisit those days with because a dad has no right to scare the h*** out of his son by telling him that "I'm ready and I want to die so, 'see ya'".
I'm too excited about going home that I'm not in the mood for picking up on some retro-blogging, but I'll get back to that because there's too much that I need to commit to my journal, of which this will become so that I can look back someday and say, "Wow, I really did live/go through all that."
Later.
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