The last time I had a feeling like this it was after my bypass surgery in 1999 when I came away feeling much the same as I do know, re: phantom feeling.
Howsomever with the help of someone...and you know who you are...those feelings were deciphered and the conclusion was that a) Something in my life was undone, and b) I hadn't made my mark.
Of course during the discussion surrounding all this the first thing my mentor said was, "Pete, you egotistical S.O.B.. It's probably true that you've got something undone, but to be concerned over 'making your mark' is egoistical if not narcissistic. Don't you remember what Ben (one of my heroes said) when you first got sober? Didn't he say, "Pete, your job is to do the most you can for (fill in the blank) and keep the lowest possible profile while you re doing it."
Yeah, he said that and, for the most part I've tried to live up to that.
Even before I began my cancer treatment, I was given the thought that, a) I was going to make this cancer experience an adventure, and b) I was not going to let it go to waste.
Well, it certainly been an adventure but I still don't know what "not letting it go to waste" really means.
Now somehow, and I haven't made the connection with that yet but it has something to do with the phantom feeling that I'm currently having...
I'm not being entirely forthright here, because I have an inkling of what this feeling is but the problem is that I can't pin it down exactly....
... “My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is. I think my problem is the problem…but that’s not the problem at all. My problem is not the problem, and that’s my problem!” ...
~~A quote I picked up somewhere but without an author credit
I don't know if there is any truth to the "9 lives" schtick, but I've certainly used up a few...
Not the car wrecks or getting shot or getting stabbed, as my sister recalled when she was taking care of me while I was still in Denver...but more like the opposite, if you will, in that I have been born and then reborn so to speak.
- Born September 10, 1948
- Born again March 7, 1987 when I got sober
- Born again April 22, 1991 when I set foot in Pilchuck Valley Chapel
- Born Again August 30, 1999 when I had my bypass preventing a heart attack that I would not have been able to survive
- August 25, 2010 when I had my Stem Cell transplant.
Something is different, but I can't "place" what it is.
It has something to do with an awareness and an appreciation of everything about me...people, places and things.
But that doesn't "fit the bill".
Just saying that comes woefully short of being to 'splain my "phantom feeling(s)."
I'm sure it has something to do with coming close to dying in that awful week/10 days after the transplant.
I soooooooooowish I could adequately explain, to myself and to others my new attitude towards life and those people, places and things.
About as close as I've come was today when I went in to the office and wound up sitting in the Principals office (Boss Lady, Fran, of Re./MAX Advanced) having what at times seemed like an animated conversation about next year.
I believe next year is going to be a grrrrrreeeaat year in spite of the economy, the elections and the hangover of the past couple of years.
And this grrrrrreeeaat year is but the beginning of the future depending, of course, on attitudes, ethics, morals and principles in both our personal and professional lives.
I've been basically out of the Real Estate game since March and a lot of that time wasn't even on the sidelines and so I've come to the conclusion that I need to "re-invent" my self after 36 years in the biz...more about that in a future Post, but I do have a plan and I''m excited about it.
But that's just my "professional life."
My "official" return to work date has been bumped from Dec. 1st 'til Jan. 1st, and that's OK...it'll give me more time to work on my reinvention.
I am equally excited about all other facets of my life...our lives, because at some level we are connected and as such we work and live together.
OK, so it's getting late and I have not even been even close to trying to verbalize my "phantom feeling" about this new life that I have.
Life is a good thing.
I guess maybe, and this applies to me, that one doesn't realize how special and wonderful something is until one almost looses it...
It's really windy/blustery out side...that's way cool.
Pete ..this is the best you have sounded in a long while and that does my heart good. I know you are having a hard time but you have such a great group of people around you. On that note, I was with about 300 like minded individuals over the Oct 16 weekend, we were gathered to discuss the business of an organization you and I share..anyway, I asked for these folks to send up a prayer for you...I hope you don`t mind, but the spirit moved me and because I am selfish and want you around for a lot longer, I just did it. God is indeed not done with you yet!!
ReplyDeleteLove You
I have nooooooo doubt that it was the prayers of folk like you and Groups like ours and Other Organizations that got me through!
ReplyDeleteYou know, now that I think of it, even thoughts can be construed as prayers and they counted in pulling me along.
Tis always good to hear from you and I thank you for your life.