Busy, Busy, Busy...Buzz, Buzz, Buzz

My favorite ice cream comes from Ben & Jerry's...Coffee, Coffee, Coffee Buzz, Buzz, Buzz.

I tell you and I tell you truly, this break from chemo has not been what I thought it would be. I thought I could catch up on some sleep, some business, some personal type contacts and virtually none of that has happened.
So even though I didn't get to come see you or talk to you, please know that I had/have intentions, realllyyyyyy I did/do!
The road to h*** is paved with what(?), damnit!

Sleep has still been an issue, though. I thought that without the chemo I wouldn't be so exhausted all the time and that because I try not to nap much I'd have an abundance of energy.
Not.
Betwixt waking up between 2-3 am and sleeping fitfully after that, and whatever, I'm still tired most of the time.
I'm of off Diet Code Red Mountain Dew and am now into drinking partially watered down fruit juice drinks, so I can't blame the caffeine for my lack of sleep and/or my fatiguedeness during the day and trough this whole thing It is the exhaustion that frustrates me, as it does.
It isn't every night though...seems 'bout once a week or so, be it from exhaustion or whatever I do get a blessed night's sound, sound sleep.
And although it's been over 23 years since I had a hangover, I wake up with the hangover symptom of, "Where the heck am I?". That only lasts briefly though.
I've said, and I believe that I'm gonna beat this cancer thing.
I mean, it doesn't know who it's dealing with, right?
And I believe that with everything about me.........yet I'm scared.
It's like I'm experiencing that fear and faith can both live within me at the same time, and they do, and that's okay.

You know, in the pas couple of days I've had the chance to butcher this quote so maybe it's a good time to go bring it out and refresh my memory...I think it deals with something similar, if not right on...

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me"; he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - this one is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resent-ment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good - this one is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed."

Do you feed "it" Coffee, Coffee Buzz, Buzz, Buzz?

I wake up at 2:13, or whatever and the evil wolf is just hanging around making his presence known.
And it takes me to where I don't want to go.
For a while it would wake me up out of a nightmare of my mother dying of cancer,and a lot of that process was really ugly and I remember her saying that she wasn't afraid of dying but she hated the fact that she had to die in pain.
Thankfully, those episodes are over.
But I still wake up in a state of terror (I skip right over fear...fear is for sissies.). And I don't know what I'm terrified of, I really don't. Honest to chemo, I can't grasp a hold of it...
it's just there and it pervades the inside of my bedroom and the inside of my mind and I can't make it go away. Crying doesn't help, flinging bad words and curses doesn't help, prayer doesn't help, or at least as fas as I want.
I typically will go back to sleep but wake up again in a half hour or so and the process repeats itself until I get up for the day.

Anywho, life is good (Yes, I said that!) Business is good....thank you, Cindy!

Andyou are wonderful x 12.

BTW, some of you who apparently this link got forwarded to have asked for my e-dress as you don't feel comfortable posting a comment...I understand, believe me and I'd love to hear from you!
It's Pete@LivingIndoors.com .