Well, ...

...if youv'e been with me for any length of time now you know that my treatment plan has been changed more times than the mother of twins changes diapers, and the metaphor paints a pretty accurate picture.
Well, change is on the horizon again.
I finally got to come home Sunday, and thank you Darlene sooooooooooo much.
I had a kabillion things planned for Sunday, but I had to go back  to the hospital for labs, a short little vampiric word for drawing 3 or 4 vials of blood.
I was non-scheduled for "in the morning" and showed up 'bout 9:30 and they did their thing but when the Vampiric walked out of my curtained cubicle she pulled it shut which piqued my curiosity. So I sat, and I dozed, and I sat, and I dozed, and I cleared my throat gently, and I sat, and I cleared my throat ungently, and I sat, and I harumphed at the hour of 11 and shortly the vampiric blood drawer and one of my Nurse Practitioners came in and started to talk to me about how my white blood cell count wasn't where it should be {Talking to Nurse Practitioners and Doctors is like talking to techy people...they speak in a language that you don't understand and when  you say, "Huh?", they respond with a silence during which they look down at you as if you are the RCA Dog and then talk down to you in a very condescending manner still using terms that you don't understand.} and thought that maybe it would be a good idea if I checked myself in again.
To which I responded, "No" in terms that they could understand and I left and drove myself home.
I got home too mentally, which transcended, into physical energy left so I just parked myself and crashed.

Now, we get to the part in this blog entry which is really scary/interesting/terrifying if you will.

Yesterday is Monday and around 9:30ish after doing some chores around the house I went to bed and set the alarm clock for 6:30 so I would have ample time after doing pre-shower preparation (I have to make a cover for one of my ports out of tape and Saran Wrap...just a kick in the arse for a one-armed guy with palsy).
So I got up after two snooze taps ...Why are alarm clock snooze durations 9 minutes...Isn't that strange? Shouldn't they be less questionable numbers like 5 or 10?... .), showered, got dressed, got my Bible and drove to Church at 8:45 for Sunday service which is at 9:00 because after all, "Isn't it Sunday?
I got to church and there were no cars to speak of in the parking or where I normally park along the road in back of the church.
Thinking that a little bit odd, I walked up to the back door and opened it...I have a key to the church...and standing near the kitchen were two friends of mine who attend the Tuesday Morning Mens Breakfast, and have for many years and we strike up a conversation around my cancer, etc. During this conversation I realize that something is terribly wrong!?!?!?!?!
So at the end of the conversation they asked me why I wasn't coming to the Men's Breakfast...I did many years ago for a few years...
Well, not wanting to appear the fool that I was, I lied...Right there in church I lied!
I'm sorry, Rob and Gregg...I think they both get this blog.
I said, "I woke up early and decided to come over and read a bit."
Wellst, it wasn't a real lie because after I met with Tom, one of the Pastors and someone who has comforted me through this Adventure, I did go into the sanctuary and read and ponder...a.k.a. meditate.
Even thought I have been away from Chem for about a week, that doesn't mean that Chemo-Brain is not alive and well.
This attack of Chemo-Brain is the worst one ever and has just terrified me to the bones.
Whilst I was in the Sanctuary I got chills as it sooooooooo reminded me of when I got sober.
Somest 23+ years ago when I came out of the only blackout I had ever had, I realized that Mr. Booze (A spirit) had beaten me physically, emotionally, relationally and financially It had finally taken over the very last thing I had---my mind. Mr. Booze controlled everything I had and everything about me. The awareness and acceptance of that terrified me in no other way I had ever been scared or worried.
I was no sissy that moment, I skipped right over fear, which is for sissies, into total unabated terror.
That terror happened on a bed in Lake Stevens, Washington and this one happened in the Sanctuary in  church in Ft. Collins, Colorado---go figure.

Gotta go do some of those kabillion things on my list because I might go into the hospital late tomorrow afternoon...or not.
I've got a 4:30 apt. tomorrow with Dr.Lee, my Oncologist and primary Cancer Doc in Denver.